Riding lessons

It seems like I'm seeing more and more cyclists failing to follow proper protocol while out on the road. In the interest of public service let me offer up the following lessons on how to be a proper cyclist:

1) Always make sure you wear matching shorts and jersey. Having a plain colored jersey devoid of logos and solid black shorts proves you don't know how to ride. Real riders wear the logos of their "sponsors". If you're not "sponsored" you're a nobody and shouldn't be riding on the road.

2) Make sure your bike is coordinated. Tire tread color must match handlebar color. Handlebar, stem, and seatpost must be of the same brand. Ideally these items will be of the same brand as the "sponsor" on your jersey. Also the bike must be spotless - bikes owned by real riders will show no signs of every having been ridden. Absolutely under no circumstance are you allowed to mix Campy and Shimano! Wheels may not have more than 24 spokes and must be aerodynamic so as not to slow you down. Finally, at least 5 parts on your bike MUST be carbon fiber.

3) No old parts. You're riding 9 speed?? That's OK only on your "retro" bike that you ride when it rains. Real riders are using 10 speed for their primary bike. And don't even think of riding unless your bars are made from carbon fiber and your saddle weighs less than 300 grams. Steel frames are only acceptable if they're made by a craftsman who studied for 50 years in Italy, then built frames for a Tour champion (who had to race them with sponsor decals) and now has a 30 year waiting list. Even then you must refer to this as your "retro bike" that you just ride "for fun".

4) Obsess about weight. Real riders need to have the lightest gear possible. A 14.96lb bike might be OK for the pros who are forced to ride whatever junk they're given but real riders will cherry pick only the best parts for their bike. It's especially important to cut weight on such vital components as bottle cages, handlebars, tires and saddles. Durability isn't important since you'll replace the parts with next year's new stuff (see rule #3)

5) Run a 53 tooth big ring and 12 tooth cog. Real riders are strong riders. So strong that they need to have the exact same gears as the professionals. 48 and 50 tooth rings are for freds. Real riders are turning over the same 53x12 as Hincapie, Boonen, etc. So what if Eddy Merckx never needed a 53 tooth ring - he was forced to ride a STEEL bike. Your carboscandalloy bike is so light, stiff and aerodynamic it'll be no problem for a real rider to push a bigger gear than Eddy.

6) Run 23mm tires at 120+ psi. Traction and comfort are not important. All that matters is speed. Besides, that carbon fiber seatpost will magically absorb all the road shock.

7) Always ride with a group and always make sure you dress the same. This is vital to team cohesion which will later prove critical during such epic non-races as the Around The Lake Loop, Annual Century, and Tour de Charity Ride. Also be sure to silently pass by pedestrians as fast as possible. By terrifying the shit out of them you'll be sure to impress them with you're riding prowess. Remember: bells are for freds!

8) Bring plenty of gels, energy bars and drinks with you. You're training and it's essential that your highly tuned Adonis-like body be fueled by equally highly refined chemicals. Regular food is entirely incapable of providing the energy needed for your high intensity 2 hour ride. You wouldn't put plain unleaded gas into a Formula One race car!

9) Where "technical" clothing even when you're off the bike. Regular wool and cotton will cause you to simultaneously overheat, freeze to death and suffocate. You need to keep your highly tuned engine cocooned in petro-chemical fabrics designed to breath, stretch, massage and caress your athletic physique.

10) Demand a discount for all of your bike gear. You're a serious rider and serious riders shouldn't have to pay retail. Only newbies pay retail. You're special and shops need to recognize this buy giving you a discount. Since they mark everything up 100% this won't hurt them plus when people see you riding with the gear it'll drive up the shop's sales so you're doing them a favor with all the free advertising you're giving them.